After years and years of studying various holy sources I am finally able to present my research results. Looking at the Qur’an (yes, Ministry of Homeland Security, I’m one of them apparently), the Popol Vuh, the Bhagavad-Gita and even a page or two of the Bible clearly proves that God (or Gods, as with omnipresent omniscient entities you can never be sure with whom you are talking right now) speaks Java (and not more than Java Language Specification 1.2).

Every reader of the aforementioned books first notices the convoluted and verbose use of syntactical elements. Every reader of Java source code first notices the convoluted and verbose use of syntactical elements. Of course, this is good, as it gives you time to think while reading the text, without overloading your mind with to many facts in to little time. Linguists found that redundancy in a language improves its error resistance and its understandability.

Along with that, there is a lack of shorthand constructs and cryptic sequences of unspeakable characters. Gods language is clean and simple so that every creature can hear it without getting knots in their brain. It is notable that some print media uses text known from lesser languages like *(x+=y++%8) to signal profanity.

The products and rules of God expressed in the holy books apply to the whole universe. Most of the texts make explicit statements about this “write once, run everywhere” principle. The creator of the universe made his rules .. well .. universal. Being the omnipotent entity he is he could have created a universe where he has no power. But to avoid imploding the brains of those who study the universe he obviously refrained from creating that paradox.

Holy (and maybe not so holy) men (and woman, but less in numbers and usually burning rather quickly if being overly verbose) pointed out that one can find the answer to any of life’s problems in those holy books, if you study the text long enough. Smart (and sometimes not so smart) men (and woman, but less in numbers but not burning these days due to worries about the CO2 footprint) pointed out that one can find the answer to any of the core programming problems in the fairly complete Java runtime library, if you study the JavaDoc long enough.

Sadly, even tho the Gods are Java and Java therefore is God, there is evidence that humans are probably created in C or C++.

The first thing you notice when you look at humans is their obvious need for manual resource management. Breathing is a classical example of allocating a resource (air) and freeing it after use (breathing out). There are numerous examples where failure of either allocation or release of the resource caused unrecoverable errors in the program execution.

Looking around the planet, it is also obvious that humans in general do not do a good job in freeing their resources properly. Garbage collection is virtually unknown even tho viable garbage collectors exist. The various resource allocation strategies and conflicts give cause to much grief and pain.

Looking at humans you can see a clear platform dependency. Although it is claimed that the same source or genetic code could be adapted to various environments, humans tend to die rather quickly (and sometimes in fairly interesting ways) if transplanted to a different runtime environment.

And last but not least: A freshly created human is void of any usable strategies and has to spend years and years to build up a reasonable runtime library (which then is over-adapted to the specific environment and fails easily when ported to a different platform (see the section on resource management above). Likewise the C languages themselves come with only the minimum standard library. Extra functionality has to be manually coded or brought in from outside. Humans call this process education, programmers “importing a library”. Different educations/libraries usually come with complex and contradictory requirements causing more vendor dependence and thus again pain and grief.

So humans: abandon your erroneous ways, repent and join the forces of god and stick to 100% pure Java.

.. cause I’ve eaten his reindeers. In case you ever come to Sweden, this is one of the things you should not miss out. You may not want to tell your kids what they are eating right now, but once they got hooked in, they would not care anyway.

At the minimum I’m now able to answer the question on “What is the most important question in a human’s life?”. It’s simple: “Can I eat it?”. This question works perfectly well for cows or sheep and of course also for crocodiles, emu or kangaroos. So far I’m reluctant to try to eat Gators, as I do not want to end in a movie (or upset some of the folks in Orlando, for that matter).

There is a whole world to eat – except for some weird stuff, of course – so bring it on!

Right now I’m sitting in the local Welfare office to get a PPS number (thats how the Social Security Number is called here), otherwise I would not be able to legally earn any money here. Not that I would have problems earning money illegaly, its just that the local law-enforcement community gets a bit bitchy after a while in that case.

As Ireland, like all english speaking countries lacks organization and oversight when it comes to registering and controlling people, there exists no central citizen registration. Yeah, if they would accept a few lessons from Germany or France leaders like Bush (now Obama) or Blair could learn a valuable lesson on how to create a police state efficently. A social security number makes you a “real” citizen here – its needed to get a Job and maybe for all kind of other identifying purposes as well.

To get one of these numbers, all you need is a proof of address and a proof of identity.

Getting the proof of address is easy – just give them a utility bill. As there are no checks on your identity, any name will work, as long as your landlord believes your claim, that your mother named you “Donald Duck” . Given some basic people-skills, that should be easy to do.

The proof of identity is a bit more difficult. If you claim to be neither British nor Irish citizen, the Welfare-office requires a passport. Getting hold of one named “Donald Duck” is probably a bit too difficult to be carried out by novice con-artists. But getting a fake Windsor or scottish accent is not hard, and then you can take the easy route: British or Irish citizens need a birth certificate and a photographic ID (any ID!).

Birth-certificates are easy to “produce”. Either copy one – heck, they are plain paper and not meant to be tamper proof – or reapply for one choosing a suitable photographic ID. Be aware that this particular step may upset the law-enforcement community again, so be sure to do it right or to not do it. (Of course, as a good citizen I do not encourage any illegal activities of any kind. And if you have to do such things, then for heavens sake make sure that you at least prepare well.)

So how to get the photographic ID? Make one yourself. There are plenty of companies that offer services to produce company staff IDs or IDs for staff members for local events. They dont even check much on the background – so as long as you dont want to produce IDs from well-known locale companies you shall be fine. Just make sure, the ID you produce has a “official” looking name and appearance. If everything fails, register at the local library, in case they have a photo-ID for their members.

So once you have the ID, the birth certificate and the fake scottish accent, you are fine to apply for a PPS number. Welcome, newborn irish citizen “Donald Duck”.

A few days ago the US closed the book of having a Bush clan member as president for the next 4 years (after that, there is still a unburned Bush active in Florida), and Barack Obama slowly gets the old folks from the Clinton area back into the seats of power. All the mud-throwing and mutual cut-throat competition, name calling and general power stuggles are great to distract people from the real issues, so lets not stop them in 2009: Germany joins the club of democracy-simulating countries by throwing in 8 elections this year.

Of course, the election for the European Parliament really does not matter anymore. As soon as Ireland agrees (this way or another) to the Treaty of Lisbon, the parliament will be reduced in its importance to a old men’s club. Then Europe finally has a chance to overcome the insane ideas of 1789, and the parliament will only be allowed to comment, but no longer to veto or even influence legislations issued by the European Commision. So its only 7 elections that count.

For Germany, the main question will be: Will the long bearded evil guys or the criminals win?

The long bearded guys.
Over the last years, governments all around the world worked hard to slim their processes down (by removing controlling organs and participation) in order to increase the efficiency of our society. Removing oversight always unlocks the progressive forces in a free market and is guaranteed to make people rich*.

So in this country, in this year, we have to choose sides: Do we want known criminals deconstruct our society via full scale surveillance, police state tactics and a general “take from the poor, give to the rich” behavioral pattern, or do we want a change towards a true multi-party system, instead of having the “mult-party, single agenda” system of the CDSPU?
So far, it seems realistic that neither the conservative Christian Democratic Union (CDU**) nor the Social Democratic Party (SPD***) wont get a majority. The fun will start, if both get not enough votes to even form a 2-party coalition. If that happens, I will throw a party.

* Not all of course. If all people have the same amount of money, no one would be rich.

** Neither the words Democratic nor Christan has no meaning here. Its just a marketing gag, really.

*** Social-Democratic should not be mixed with either “social” or “democratic”. Meanings changed, and in the same way, the “War ministry” is now called “Defence ministry” words no longer tell the truth.

(1) Take 10 Euros and place it in your cupboard
(2) Wait until the FED drives down the dollar with unreasonable bailouts of Wallstreet banks
(3) Cash in your Euro to receive your dollars.

Hmmm … When I said I want to become millionaire anytime soon, I hoped to be able to afford a caribean island or so. Now I could be happy to get a coffee at Starbucks for that amount of money. Thanks Mr. Bernanke and Mr. Paulson for messing up my plans!

Imagine you are an agent for the ministry of homeland security.
Imagine you are an agent nobody likes as everybody knows that “everything you said can and will be used against you” while the agent is around.
Imagine you’ve heard that everyone has fun playing online games.

And now, after a stressful day of hunting Mr. Bin Laden you want to play it too. But you want to play it while on duty.

What do you do?

You come up with a secret plot how “terrorists” could use the game to plan and coordinate attacks. Like this, for instance.

And now you can convince your boss that all the time spent training your Dwarfen Wizzard is actually helping to catch Mr. Bin Laden (a ugly looking Orc, of course :)) …